Is It Burnout or Hormones? (Or Just Me Falling Apart?)
Note: This article is for information and support only and is not medical advice. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider for personalised care.
There’s a particular kind of Tuesday where nothing is “wrong” and nothing feels right. You’ve done the school run, answered the therapist’s email, put snacks on the counter, and you’re suddenly blinking back tears at the sight of a messy kitchen. You’re not in crisis. You’re also not okay.
I used to tell myself: It’s just stress. I’ll be fine when things settle down. Spoiler: in this version of motherhood, things rarely “settle”.
The second wave of matrescence
We talk about matrescence as the transformation of becoming a mother. What we name less is the second wave - the identity shift after your child’s diagnosis. Your job description multiplies: advocate, coordinator, system-interpreter, communication partner… while still being Mum. It can be meaningful and it is exhausting. And it often leaves very little room for you.
The invisible high alert
Even off-duty, you’re on-duty. Your mind runs a permanent, invisible spreadsheet: appointments, services, school meetings, sensory plans, the next “prove-their-needs” conversation. Your nervous system lives on high alert; rest becomes a rumour. Over time that looks like fatigue, brain fog, headaches, disrupted sleep, snappishness you don’t recognise as yours.
And then the hormones shift
Many of us hit this stage in our late 30s or 40s… right as perimenopause rolls in. It’s not just hot flushes; it’s subtle hormonal changes that hit mood, memory, sleep, pain, and patience. Here’s the kicker: perimenopause looks like burnout, and burnout looks like anxiety. The symptoms blur; we treat the wrong thing (or nothing at all) and then blame ourselves for not coping.
“This isn’t weakness. It’s what happens when you carry more than anyone should… and still keep showing up.”
Symptom soup (why it’s so confusing)
Caregiver burnout: emotional exhaustion, irritability, detachment, cognitive fog, bone-deep fatigue
Chronic stress: all of the above + muscle tension, headaches, digestion issues, sleep disruption, skin flare-ups
Perimenopause: mood swings (including rage spikes), night waking, brain fog, joint pain, cycle changes
Sound familiar? Exactly.
When the system says “just stress”
I’ve sat in the GP’s office listing night waking, brain fog, and hair-trigger patience and been told, “You’re only early 40s - probably just stress.” That’s medical gaslighting: real symptoms minimised or mislabelled. In Ireland, perimenopause is improving in public conversation, but it’s still under-recognised… especially if you’re under 45 and already wearing the “stressed mum” label.
Name it to tame it
When everything blurs, you can’t get the right help. Naming matters:
This is post-diagnosis matrescence. My identity is changing.
This is chronic caregiving stress. My nervous system needs support.
This is perimenopause. My hormones are shifting.
Real things can be addressed. Self-blame cannot.
What Helps (Even on Impossible Days)
1) Name it (in writing).
Keep a one-line note on your phone:
“Parenting stress + perimenopause. Needs: more rest, gentle tracking, GP follow-up.”
It keeps you anchored to reality, not self-criticism.
2) Track gently.
A simple calendar/code: 🌙 poor sleep, ⚡ irritability, 💧headache, 🔄 cycle day. Patterns help you advocate.
3) Seek ND-informed menopause care.
You’re allowed second opinions. Bring your patterns. Ask directly about perimenopause. If possible, find practitioners who understand both caregiving and midlife hormones.
4) Regulate the nervous system in micro-doses.
30–60 seconds counts. Box breathing (4-4-4-4). Hand-on-heart warmth. One song, eyes closed. A sip of water looking out a window.
5) Minimum viable care (MVC).
On heavy days: drink water, eat protein, step outside, text one person who “gets it”. That’s not failure… it’s triage.
6) Let the bar drop.
Lower it again. Some days toast is dinner. Some weeks “floors clean” beats “meals perfect”.
7) Rage-writing.
A private doc/notebook for everything unsayable: the system, the waitlists, the grief. It moves energy through, not into, your body.
8) Don’t do it alone.
Connection doesn’t erase challenges, but it softens them. One friend you can voice-note without apologising is medicine.
Who Are You Now?
Matrescence teaches that motherhood changes our identity. Perimenopause asks the same question in a different language: Who are you now… and how will you care for her? Part of the answer is letting go: productivity as worth, one-sided friendships, the myth that coping = doing everything.
“Resilience isn’t holding it all together. It’s knowing what to put down.”
If it’s safe, place a hand on your heart: I am doing more than enough. I am worthy of care too.
You’re not falling apart. You’re living through a layered storm - identity, biology, and a system that rarely centres mothers. It’s survivable. And you don’t have to weather it in silence.
Listen to the full episode:
Next step
If this story resonates, you might find my free guide The First 30 Days especially grounding — a gentle companion for those early weeks after diagnosis. Download it here →
