Rewriting the Script: What If You Spoke to Yourself Like Someone You Loved?
There was a moment - maybe you’ve had one like it - where I caught myself saying something in my head that I wouldn’t dream of saying to anyone else.
It was small. I’d forgotten to book an appointment and snapped at myself: “God, what is wrong with you? Get it together.”
The words didn’t shock me. The familiarity did. That tone - sharp, disappointed, harsh - had become the background noise of my inner world.
I stopped, placed a hand on my chest, and asked: Would I ever speak to my daughter like that? To a friend? To another mum in one of my circles?
Of course not. So why was it okay to speak to myself that way?
That tiny pause became a turning point… not a lightning bolt moment of change, but a whisper that wouldn’t leave me alone.
The 19th of July was International Self-Compassion Day, and this reflection was born from that space. Not about fixing or improving yourself, but about rewriting the script. Gently.
What Self-Compassion Actually Is… and Isn’t
Let’s start with what it’s not.
Self-compassion isn’t indulgent. It isn’t weakness. It isn’t about pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t. And it’s definitely not a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t mean ignoring pain, it means meeting it with tenderness.
Dr. Kristin Neff, who pioneered self-compassion research, breaks it down into three parts:
Mindfulness: Acknowledging what’s true without minimising or catastrophising it.
Common Humanity: Remembering that imperfection is part of being human.
Self-Kindness: Offering yourself the same warmth you’d give someone you love.
In real life, that looks like:
Letting yourself say “This is hard” without adding “but I shouldn’t complain.”
Feeding yourself something nourishing, even if the dishes aren’t done.
Choosing rest over guilt. Kindness over perfection. Presence over punishment.
As Dr. Shauna Shapiro says, “What you practice grows stronger.”
Self-compassion, even when it feels awkward or forced, grows stronger with every gentle attempt.
The Voice in Our Heads: Who Taught It to Speak That Way?
That inner voice - the one that scolds you for being late, losing patience, or forgetting something - didn’t start with you.
It’s a collection of echoes:
Cultural expectations of the good mother and the selfless woman
Family patterns of perfectionism or silence
Generational scripts of strength as stoicism
Psychologist Paul Gilbert reminds us that self-criticism is a biological survival mechanism. Our brains learned to avoid rejection by staying small, compliant, acceptable.
But in motherhood - especially for those of us caring for children with high support needs - those alarms are constantly blaring.
We motivate ourselves with fear, guilt, and shame, hoping that maybe if we just try harder, we’ll finally feel okay. But the goalposts keep moving.
Here’s the truth:
You cannot shame yourself into healing.
You cannot hate yourself into showing up better.
You cannot critique your way into feeling worthy.
The voice may sound like yours… but it’s time to teach it a new language.
The Cost of the Critic
The ongoing cycle of self-criticism doesn’t just hurt our feelings. It hurts our health, our relationships, and our joy.
Emotionally: it feeds anxiety, depression, and loneliness.
Physically: it floods our bodies with cortisol, leaving us tense and exhausted.
Relationally: it makes us short-tempered and disconnected.
Psychologist Dr. Kristin Armstrong writes that mothers (particularly caregivers) face an invisible demand: to keep going no matter what. And when they finally can’t, they’re not met with care… they’re met with blame.
“We’ve medicalised their symptoms and moralised their struggle. Instead of asking what happened to her, we ask why she can’t cope.”
That line stopped me in my tracks. Because so many of us are coping, but at a cost.
And the cruel irony? The same inner critic that drives us to overperform is also the one that stops us from resting, receiving, or asking for help.
You deserve more than survival. You deserve to feel safe in your own mind.
Guided Visualisation: Meeting Yourself with Kindness
Take a breath.
Imagine sitting across from yourself… not your ideal self, just you as you are. Tired. Trying. Doing your best.
Now imagine reaching out and resting your hand on her shoulder. Whisper:
I see how hard you’re trying.
You don’t have to do this alone.
You are enough, even in the mess.
That’s it. That’s the practice.
Self-compassion doesn’t demand perfection. It invites presence.
Somatic Reset: Coming Back to the Body
When you feel disconnected or self-critical, come home to your body:
Place your feet flat on the floor. Feel the ground.
One hand on your chest, one on your belly.
Inhale slowly for 4 counts.
Hold gently.
Exhale for 6 counts.
Whisper to yourself: I’m here. I’m safe. I can be kind to myself.
Compassion isn’t escape. It’s coming closer… to yourself.
Rewriting the Script
What if you spoke to yourself like someone you loved?
Not just on your best days, but on the messy, tear-streaked, late-night ones too.
You are not broken… you are becoming.
You are not failing… you are feeling.
You are not lazy… you are carrying too much.
Let this be your new script:
I can be kind to myself.
I can take up space.
I deserve to be spoken to with love… even by me.
You’re allowed to be soft with yourself. You are enough. You are loved. You are not alone.
And that voice in your head? It’s yours now. Let it be kind.
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Next step
If this story resonates, you might find my free guide The First 30 Days especially grounding — a gentle companion for those early weeks after diagnosis. Download it here →
